It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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