Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
