If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
