No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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