Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
