dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
