Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
