note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
