My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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