You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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