I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
