I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
