I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
