I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm passing your future prison.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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