i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
