He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
