i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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