Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
