we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
