This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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