If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
