Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
