From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
There are leaves in my underwear?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
