the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i want to swaddle you in tequila
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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