Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Randomize
