i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize