I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Randomize
