Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My vagina is officially offended.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
