My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
