I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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