you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
