question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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