Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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