I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
