"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
