Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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