when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
