He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My vagina is officially offended.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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