So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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