3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
