I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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