Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
