You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I want a musical about memes.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
