Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
