What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
