Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
