I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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