i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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