Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
