I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
