Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
