I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
