I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
