dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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