Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
