I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
