It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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