you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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