I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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