note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Everything about him screamed your future.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize