I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
